I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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