Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
