Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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