My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize