Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
