I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize
