I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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