i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
