i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I'm passing your future prison.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
They have beer where we have blood.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
