i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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