Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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