your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
