By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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