She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Randomize
