is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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