My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
