found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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