News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
