He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Randomize
