My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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