This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
