Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
