fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
