Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Randomize