he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
