i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
We're too hungover to prance.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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