my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
