Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
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