i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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