I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
