Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
