remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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