Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
