did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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