any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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