I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Randomize
