Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize