YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
