I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
