i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
