Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
