I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
