When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
