He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize