Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
