Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
My day in three words: secret purse cake
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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