3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
