a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
why do cheetos always look like penises
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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