I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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