Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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