she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize