clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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