Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
