wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
