If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
me + whiskey = a bad person
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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