My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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