I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
