Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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